


through the years

by trailsofpaper (Sanwall)



Category: Bastille (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Frottage, Hand Jobs, M/M, Mutual Pining, Semi-Public Sex, Unrequited Love, but with feelings, except of course it isn't really unrequited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-11-15
Packaged: 2019-04-16 08:18:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14160609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sanwall/pseuds/trailsofpaper
Summary: Five times Dan and Kyle have sex, and the one time they finally kiss again.





	1. Aftermath (2013)

**Author's Note:**

> Even though the working title was “2013 Dyle is real” this is obviously fiction. I don’t presume to know anything about the real people whose names and faces I’ve stolen, nor do I in any way, shape or form want them to know that this exists.  
> This fic started out as something completely different nine months ago, and I've written like five Dan/Kyle fics in between then and now, but here we are!

Dan wasn’t quite steady on his feet anymore, but it was alright because Kyle was there supporting him. Kyle was just as drunk as Dan, but he was always better at dragging himself home by the end of the night, and this time Dan had the distinct advantage of being able to just tag along. And he was tagging along, all the way back to the hotel that they’d scrounged for during this festival - Germany was alright, Dan thought. Hotel beds beat the bus bunk every time.

Kyle was still standing upright but half-slumped against the hotel room door, and Dan was half-slumped against him. When Kyle started talking, Dan could feel his chest vibrate.

“This is me now, Dan. What’s your room number?”

“Don’t remember,” Dan said, and it ended in a sort of hiccup-laugh, because really, Dan could probably remember his room number if he tried, or if he just bothered finding his key from somewhere in his wallet. Probably.

But Kyle was warm and oddly comfortable for someone so skinny, and Dan felt no inclination to move.

“Alright, you better get inside then, you walking disaster,” Kyle said, and the ground shifted under Dan when the door swung open and they tumbled inside. “Whoops, you okay there Dan?” 

Dan would never get used to how Kyle always laughed when he asked him that - people always lost their patience with him, Dan had realized. There was only so much existential angst they could put up with before they lost the energy to be sympathetic

“Sure, I’m okay,” Dan said, but he hadn’t opened his eyes for a good, long while. He realized he was sitting down on something soft - the bed - and forced his eyes open.

Kyle was holding his shoulders and looking at him. Dan blinked, and Kyle was really close, the edges of his face blurring out in the soft overhead lighting of the room.

“Thank you, Kyle,” Dan said, and it came out altogether more serious than it should have - his voice broke a little on Kyle’s name, and Dan could feel Kyle’s hand slide up from his shoulder to cup his cheek.

With a certainty he’d never have sober, Dan knew Kyle was going to kiss him. 

Dan didn’t shut his eyes; rather, he met Kyle halfway and could watch Kyle’s dark eyes close in a soft sweep of eyelashes. Dan’s teeth bumped into Kyle’s lower lip, and Kyle made a noise in his throat, but his hand was warm on Dan’s face and he deftly maneuvered Dan into place, to kiss him deeper.

Dan canted his neck willingly, and with a sweep of vertigo they tumbled into a horizontal position, Kyle on his back pulling Dan down on top of him. It was a tangle of limbs and huffs of hot breaths and for a second Dan felt deliriously happy.

Something was tugging at his stomach though- this wasn’t quite right. It felt amazing; Dan wanted to melt into Kyle’s warmth, he chased the exposed skin of Kyle’s arms with his hands, chased the heat of Kyle’s mouth with his tongue - but he was too dizzy with it, the edges hazy in a way that wasn’t good.

Dan moaned when Kyle’s teeth closed around his lower lip. The rush of heat that washed over him was too intense and too blurred to make sense and he bucked against Kyle, weakly.

With a wet drag of lips, Dan broke off the kiss to pant into his neck for a moment.

“I’m too drunk for this,” he said against the warm skin, but pressed his fingers into Kyle’s arm to convince him that it was the only reason he wasn’t kissing him senseless right at this moment.

Kyle shifted a little against him, half-lifted his head from the pillow.

“Let’s just sleep, alright?” he said softly and Dan nodded, closing his eyes. Sleep, yes, more kissing tomorrow. They’d hash it all out the next day, when they were sober.

“I might not remember this in the morning,” Dan said, and there was a dull ache in his stomach at the thought. He opened his eyes in a panic, but Kyle grinned at him and lifted his hand to brush a sweaty lock of hair off his forehead.

“I’ll remind you,” he said, and Dan felt himself smile. “Let’s just get comfortable.”

Kyle pulled Dan in with his lanky arms so that they were spooning in their underwear, and Dan thought he had never been more comfortable in his life. He fell asleep like he never had before, winking out like a light between one thought and the next.

△

Kyle woke up slowly and comfortably, stretching languidly against the warm body pressed along his own. He knew it was Dan, somehow, before he could form the conscious thought - last night, he’d been afraid of waking without knowing what was going on, that one fraction of a second’s panic of conscious oblivion.

But Kyle was one hundred percent aware and present for the fact that he had his morning wood pressed against Dan’s arse, and that Dan was moving against him, in small, aborted shifts of his hips.

“G’morning,” Kyle said, surprising himself with the roughness of his own voice. He pressed his face into Dan’s neck, and even though Dan smelled of sweat and alcohol Kyle wasn’t going to move away.

“Morning,” Dan said, his voice was reedy and breathless, and Kyle felt a tug of heat in his belly. He slid his hand under the cover they shared, over the hot skin of Dan’s side and stomach, and his searching fingers tangled with Dan’s on his cock. His own, already hard, twitched with interest, and Dan groaned into the pillow. Kyle nosed the soft hairs on the back of Dan’s neck and smiled.

They brought him off like that, both of their hands on Dan, and Kyle pressed into Dan’s soft body, rutting against him like he lacked all self-control. Which he sort of felt he did at the moment.

Dan came with a gasp so soft that Kyle realized his orgasm only in the tremor of his muscles.

Kyle was too sleepy to even hesitate - he felt the hot wetness of Dan’s come on his hand, and he shifted onto his back, bringing his hand with him and, shoving his boxers down just enough, used it to slick up his own cock and to bring himself off in three seconds flat, in the simultaneously most and least surprising orgasm of his life.

Kyle blinked his bleary eyes open to Dan leaning his head on his elbow, looking down at him. He looked tired, with bags under his eyes, his dark hair an untameable gloria around his head and his lips red, like they always got when Dan had been drinking. His eyes, however, were clear and sharp and trained on Kyle, which made him feel acutely embarrassed all of a sudden.

_ I’m too drunk for this,  _ Dan had said last night as he turned his face away. 

“Hey,” Dan said now, and he didn’t sound breathy anymore. His voice was rough, sure, but he didn’t sound out of it, like Kyle felt. Maybe they were still drunk. Kyle quickly wiped his hand off on his boxers and grimaced.

He sensed Dan leaning in, as if for a kiss, but Kyle knew what his own breath tasted like at this moment, so he turned his head quickly to the side, pressed his face into the pillow. He hadn’t meant to do it like this - this was all backwards.

He felt Dan still beside him, and Kyle thought it was probably for the best. Dan’s hand was hot on his waist, and Kyle knew it would be too easy to just stay, make himself at home in Dan’s body heat. He’d asked for too much already, so he rolled off the bed and straightened up, cracking his spine as he stretched.

Dan was still leaning on his elbow, but something guarded had snuck its way into his expression, and Kyle felt his insides turn into a knot when he said:

“We don’t- we don’t have to tell anyone.”

“No,” Kyle said, arms dropping and his hangover gathering in a leaden lump in his stomach. “Yeah, you’re right.”

Dan sat up and cleared his throat. The cover slid off his body, and in the daylight seeping in through the blinds Kyle could see the freckles dotting his bared shoulder.

Kyle should have kissed a pattern between them when he had the chance.

“I guess I’m going to go,” Dan said, and he grasped his own elbow absentmindedly, like he was giving himself a hug. Kyle ached inside, hating himself for making Dan feel so uncomfortable. He should have moved away the second he woke up, he should never have - kissed Dan drunk.

God, why was he such a massive fuck-up. He’d wanted to kiss Dan, and not- this.

“Yeah,” was what he managed to say. Dan looked at him, forehead furrowed so deeply his eyes seemed huge. Kyle wet his lips and continued:

“This doesn’t- I don’t want this to change anything between us though.”

“No, of course not,” Dan said, and he smiled. It wasn’t particularly radiant, but it was a smile, and Kyle would hang onto that for years to come.


	2. Touring (2014)

A sliver of light spilled across his face, painting his eyelids red when the curtain was pulled aside. Kyle opened his eyes to Dan, face backlit and dark but always recognizable, peeking in at him.

“Hey,” Kyle said, voice a little worse for wear from the show and the subsequent night out on the town. He thought Dan was squinting, like maybe he’d taken out his contacts but not bothered putting on his glasses.

“Hey,” Dan replied. “I think you’re wearing my hoodie.”

Kyle pushed himself up enough to look down at the grey zippered hoodie he was wearing. It was spacious enough to be comfortable on him, but Dan always did like his clothes baggy, so that didn’t necessarily mean anything.

“Sorry, must’ve gotten mixed up in the wash,” Kyle said and fumbled with the zipper as he pulled it down. Dan leaned in to help him struggle out of it, and Kyle vaguely noted how touring had a way of obliterating personal space, before Dan toppled and fell across his lap.

Kyle was just drunk enough to collapse into a fit of giggles with Dan on top of him. Normally it would be accompanied by a stab of heartache and maybe the urge to pull him closer, but now Kyle was the right amount of plastered to just welcome the weight of Dan without feeling guilty.

“I’m sorry,” Dan was saying, but Kyle could hear the laughter in his voice as he squirmed to regain his footing. “I’m sorry, vodka shots was a seriously bad idea.”

“They always are,” Kyle agreed, and somehow Dan was standing up again now with the hoodie in his hands.

“Cold,” Kyle said and blinked. He felt bereft.

“Sorry,” Dan said again, and he pulled the bed cover up to drape it across Kyle before he closed the curtain, and Kyle was left thinking that wasn’t what he had meant at all.

△

The tour had taken a lot out of them, Dan could tell. They’d been touring ever since their first album had come out, never stopping, not even to record another album. Instead they recorded in fits and starts while on the tour, whenever Dan could pull anything together.

Woody missed his fiancée, Will missed his girlfriend, and Kyle - well, Kyle didn’t have a girlfriend anymore, and Dan had decided to not feel any particular way about it.

They’d both just not mentioned that one night in Germany, and emphatically not mentioned the morning after, and for the most part Dan thought it was the best way forward. They were in a damn band together, and fooling around in a band never ended well. Like, just look at Fleetwood Mac for fuck’s sake.

Dan sometimes thought about his decision to cover  _ Dreams.  _ Why it had felt so particularly urgent to sing a song off that album, how it had felt to borrow someone else’s words to express his feelings.

It was in many ways safer than using your own words, Dan thought. Sometimes, when they rehearsed  _ Blame  _ he didn’t quite know how to look directly at Kyle - Kyle who had no idea that every time Dan looked at him, there was a little tug deep down in Dan’s gut.

_ Fall upon your knees saying, "This is my body and soul here" - Fall and begging, pleading - "You’ve got the power and control here"  _ \- well, Dan had never claimed to be particularly subtle. Good thing they hadn’t played it live yet.

Surely it was for the best. But then there were the times, maybe when they were out drinking, the entire band and crew after a show well done, and Dan thought Kyle was looking at him, with his dark eyes under his frankly ridiculous eyebrows that Dan just had the absurd urge to sweep his thumbs over - and Dan could swear he saw a spark deep in those dark eyes. A magnetic pull - and it didn’t fucking help that Kyle was just so fucking _ nice. _

He always made people feel better, Dan included. He made jokes to diffuse a tense situation, he always realized when all of them had been working too hard and cut them short by goofing off. When a short-tempered Woody couldn’t get the remote to work, Kyle plucked it from his hands and started to fiddle with it, his damn tongue sticking out from the corner of his mouth, half-taking it apart and putting it back together again, giving it a solid thwack before handing it over, and like a miracle it was functional again.

“All in a day’s work,” Kyle said with a little wink towards Woody, and Dan wanted to reach out and kiss him senseless. He hated himself for being drunk that one time they had kissed, he hated how he couldn’t quite remember the feeling of Kyle’s tongue in his mouth - he hated that he had missed his chance. Dan still wanted, though, and it was bound to come to a head sooner or later.

It turned out to be sooner.

They had been out dancing, and Kyle came up close to grind on all of them by turns, to a Katy Perry remix or whatever, which always was a laugh. Dan, unfortunately, hadn’t had nearly enough to drink to not immediately flush at Kyle sliding his lanky body against his.

The strobing lights on the dance floor, alternating between purple and red, cast Kyle’s features in such stark contrast that his beard seemed an extension of the shadows playing over his face. Kyle was grinning, but when he met Dan’s gaze, the grin dimmed and he blinked, so slowly that Dan felt his breath catch in his throat. Kyle’s eyes were like inkwells Dan wanted to drown in.

In just a second, Dan pressed closer and grabbed him by the wrist to press Kyle’s hand against himself, and Kyle’s palm against his chest felt like a hot brand in the sweaty confines of the club. Dan saw him swallow before he let go. The hand brushed along Dan’s arm, sending a tingling promise up his spine before they moved away from each other.

Kyle had let him take the hoodie, and that was why, he reasoned. That was why Dan followed through on that promise and pulled Kyle to him when the lights on the bus had gone out, their mates were sleeping, and Kyle was about to climb into his own bunk.

Dan fumbled to open the curtain and let Kyle fall on top of him. He didn’t want to think about kissing, didn’t want to think about how Kyle’s beard had grown since that night when they had kissed - that one, drunken mistake that still haunted him - and how it would feel against his own stubble now. Because Kyle had made it clear that this was not something where they kissed. He’d turned his face away and rolled off the bed.

Kissing was off the table, but touching was not, and Dan intended to take whatever he could get. He was too selfish not to. He shoved Kyle’s pajama trousers down his narrow hips in the dark, eager to get his hands on warm skin, and Kyle shifted around to get Dan’s boxers down around his thighs as well.

Kyle, whose speech sometimes stuttered but never his hands, was touching him and Dan wanted all of it. Unlike Dan, Kyle was always sleeping topless, and Dan trailed his hand up the ridges of his naked spine in return, reveling in the feeling of smooth skin and planes of bone beneath his fingers, wanting so much to somehow be able to fuse their bodies together and never let go.

Kyle’s cock was hot and smooth to the touch, such a pleasant weight in his hand when Dan finally let it trail down all the way. He wished more than anything that the lights could be on, so that he could see what the tiny, aborted gasps looked like on Kyle’s face when he swallowed them down and gripped the pillow by Dan’s head tight enough to bunch it up.

He could imagine the way Kyle’s nose crinkled, just like it did when he sang sometimes. Dan felt his stomach tighten at the thought.

“Come on,” Dan whispered into the silence of their bodies moving against each other, and he moved his hand up to bury them in the short, short hair at the back of Kyle’s head and press, gently. Kyle bucked into the touch, and the rhythm of Dan’s other hand stuttered.

Kyle groaned loud enough that they both froze for a second. Dan desperately tried to listen above the sound of their breathing, but the bus was quiet, and he soon renewed his efforts. Kyle dropped his head down, put his teeth to Dan’s shoulder to bite down and Dan felt a hot zip of arousal coalesce in the low of his belly together with the thrum of steadily building need.

He squirmed but didn’t stop, and when Kyle shifted to press his naked thigh up against Dan’s cock, Dan thought he would combust with arousal, his body restless with it. He turned his head, his mouth finding Kyle’s ear and he kissed the shell of it with an open mouth, and then he pulled his earlobe between his teeth, so as to not give Kyle the wrong idea.

He moved his hand to Kyle’s arse and pressed him closer, and he felt Kyle give a shuddering exhale against his neck, and Dan just wanted it to last forever. But then Kyle reached down to get a hand on him, and Dan thought the feeling of Kyle’s rings against his cock would be the death of him.

Afterwards, for a long while, they just lay there, limbs entangled and chests heaving. Soon, however, Dan had to shift, and shoved at Kyle’s shoulder.

“Ah, fuck, look at this,” he whispered, when Kyle raised himself up on his hands, straightening his arms and revealing the soaked mess that was Dan’s t-shirt.

“Sorry,” Kyle murmured and stretched his leg out, sliding over Dan to land on the bus floor.

He pulled up his pajama bottoms quickly and  awkwardly, while Dan tore off the t-shirt and crumpled it up to deal with in the morning - for a breathless moment, it was all too obvious what they had done, noticeable to anyone who saw them, and Dan sort of panicked.

“Shit,” he said with a voice that trembled, sitting up and staring intently out in the dark of the bus, trying to sense movement from any of the other bunks. 

There was only silence, until Kyle made a soft sound, somewhere between a sigh and chuckle, and before Dan could ask him to maybe come back, he had already disappeared inside his bunk. To Dan, his own cramped bunk felt too big and too cold at the same time.


	3. Warmth (2015)

Dan seemed fucking devastated, at least judging by his texts, and it was bad if you could tell by text. Kyle could never handle him when he was like that. So it was entirely selfish, how he invited himself to Dan’s home even though they were on a break from touring and they all very emphatically had decided to not meet up even once.

But here he was on Dan’s doorstep, carrying a bag of crisps and a pair of artisanal beers as an offering, and Dan scooped them up, delighted, before ushering Kyle inside.

“Sit down, make yourself at home,” Dan urged, and Kyle kicked off his shoes with a groan and sunk down in Dan’s rundown sofa in front of the TV.

“Good thing you finally got your own flat,” Kyle said and peered over his shoulder and into the kitchen where Dan was pouring the crisps into a bowl with one hand while doing his best to open the beer caps against the countertop with the other. Kyle rolled his eyes and got up to go help him, but when he entered the kitchen and grabbed a bottle, Dan finally managed to get the cap off the one he was working on - only to have the contents fizz and spew out in a foamy cloud of hops.

“Ah, shit!” Dan called, and before Kyle could react or do anything at all, Dan lifted the bottle to brazenly lick up the side of it. Kyle was still holding his own bottle, and he momentarily forgot how to breathe, when he saw Dan’s pink tongue dart out to press at the glass.

“Damn IPAs,” Dan said and then took a long sip of it. Kyle swallowed, dry-mouthed, and set his bottle down.

Dan glanced at him then, just a brief flutter of his eyelashes, but there was an undeniable invite in the tilt of his body, in the way he turned towards Kyle.

“I thought we were only doing this on tour,” Kyle said, weakly.

Dan’s lips were still pursed on the mouth of the bottle when he looked up at Kyle, properly this time. Kyle would never get used to how damn blue his eyes were, not in contrast to his eyebrows and eyelashes. Fuck.

“We don’t have to,” Dan said and set the bottle down on the counter beside Kyle’s. “Do anything. I just, I guess I wanted to hang out, really”

He rubbed at his face with his hand  as Kyle watched, helplessly. Dan’s grey hoodie was open over a black t-shirt, and the fabric seemed really soft, falling over his chest and begging to be pulled.

“I don’t want to be alone with my thoughts,” Dan added quietly. Kyle made a noise in his throat he didn’t mean to make, and he reached out to pull at the t-shirt, to pull him closer. This brought them so close that Kyle could almost taste the hops on Dan’s breath. At this distance, Dan had to look up at him, through those dark eyelashes, and Kyle wanted to kiss him so bad.

But they hadn’t kissed even once, not since that night Dan didn’t remember. But Dan had been the one to pull Kyle into his bunk, and that was why he reached down and put his hand on Dan’s crotch, over his black jeans.

Dan’s eyes fluttered close and he let out a shaky breath.

“I mean it, we don’t have to if you-” Dan started, but Kyle stepped in even closer, crowding him against the countertop to put his mouth against his neck.

“It’s fine,” Kyle whispered against warm skin and undid Dan’s fly. “Let’s just not think about it, yeah?”

He felt Dan sigh and yield beneath him, his hands coming up to grab at his back. Kyle wanted to burrow into the soft heat of him, as if that would alleviate the feeling of euphoria-laced dread in his stomach. Like it would make him care less.

Kyle realized his  fingers were trembling against Dan, and he stilled. Dan’s left hand slid up to cradle Kyle’s neck and his right slid down to press at his arse, and Kyle breathed into the joint of Dan’s neck, mouth half on hot skin and half on the rough fabric of his t-shirt.

“Do you want to fuck me?” Kyle said, tongue thick in his mouth and the words muffled. The grip on his neck tightened, and he heard the hitch in  Dan’s breathing. He smiled against his neck.

“I haven’t - I haven’t ever done that with-” Dan tried, but Kyle leaned back and searched his eyes.

“I have,” he said, a little dismissively, and he saw Dan’s mouth tighten into a line. “I mean it’s not rocket science, I’m sure you can figure it out, Smith.”

Dan smacked him on the arm, and Kyle rolled his hips against him. They were both very obviously into the idea, and Kyle grinned openly. “You can even do that, if you want.”

He could swear Dan’s pupils widened at that.

“That settles it,” he said and took Dan’s hand to drag him into the bedroom.

For a second, it felt jarring to be in Dan’s bedroom with the intent of having sex, and Kyle took that second to strip out of his own t-shirt and shove his sweatpants down, before he did something stupid, like come to his senses and leave.

Dan seemed frozen in the doorway as Kyle sat down on the bed. His cock bounced against his stomach with the movement and he winced a little.

“Come off it, you’ve seen me naked before,” Kyle said, but the moment he said it he started to wonder if it was true. They’d had sex a couple of times, they’d gotten changed at the same time too many times to count but maybe- maybe Dan had just never looked.

But Dan swallowed and began to remove his own clothing starting with, Kyle was gratified to note, his stupid socks with the pixel print. His hoodie, t-shirt and jeans soon followed, but Dan hesitated with his fingers hooked in the lining of his boxers.

Kyle decided that Dan was taking too long, so he twisted back on the bed to reach the night stand and pull the drawer open.  Dan was absent-minded, but he was conscientious enough to be properly prepared, Kyle figured, and he shuffled around the contents for a bit before he was proven right and pulled out the bottle of lube.

When he sat up again, Dan had taken his boxers off and shuffled up on the bed, kneeling. Kyle had a second moment of jarring notions - Dan, naked, on his own bed, with Kyle. This shouldn’t be happening but Kyle had wanted it for so long, and yet it wasn’t at all how he wanted it.

He uncapped the bottle with a flick of his thumb, and Dan swallowed.

“What, you just, um,” Dan said, and Kyle saw his eyes dip down from Kyle’s hand to his cock. “No foreplay?”

“Come here,” Kyle said and laid down flat on his back, with the open bottle in his hand. He used his other hand to bodily pull Dan on top on him, between his legs. There was a tantalizing rush of heat, with Dan’s body so close to his, and Dan braced himself by framing Kyle’s head with his hands.

Their faces were scant inches from each other as their eyes met, and Kyle saw Dan frown in concentration. Kyle licked his lips and wondered if he looked as naked and vulnerable as he felt. Their collective breathing was so loud, and yet it barely penetrated the rush of blood in Kyle’s ears. Dan’s face above him, with his mouth slightly open, that concerned little furrow between his eyebrows, eyes huge and dark - it was too much.

“Touch me,” Kyle said, and he hated how breathless he sounded. Dan hesitated and looked down between them, and Kyle shifted so he could pull his leg up to hook his knee over Dan’s hip. Dan’s eyes flicked up to meet his again and Kyle bit his lip.

“Easier to reach,” he said, and that had Dan slumping his head down, leaning his forehead on Kyle’s shoulder before he obeyed and trailed one hand down to grab a hold of Kyle’s half-hard cock.

“Oh fuck,” Kyle said and arched his neck, pressing the back of his head against the mattress, gripping Dan’s shoulder blade with his free hand, digging his nails into skin.

Fingering himself while Dan jerked him off was something he hadn’t actually prepared for, and he closed his eyes, desperate to take the edge off even though he couldn’t seem to stop. He should put a pillow underneath himself to make it more comfortable, but there was no way in hell he would stop now, not when Dan twisted his hand just right, and Kyle had to turn his face and bite into his own arm so as to not make a noise that was embarrassing.

“Oh, fuck,” Dan whispered, and his voice was breathy, like he’d lost any base support and was too winded to get the words out properly.

A whine made its way out from Kyle’s throat, entirely without his consent, and he arched his back to press up against Dan. His mouth left a wet trail on his own arm when Kyle turned his head to look up at him.

“Fucking, just do it,” Kyle gasped, and he felt Dan still above him - which was the exact opposite of what Kyle wanted. Dan’s hand slipped off his cock so he could brace himself on the bed, and Kyle had to resist the urge to whine again.

“Shouldn’t we use a condom?” Dan said, and the edge of worry in his voice would have made Kyle laugh if it didn’t just make his insides clench.

“I don’t have any transmittable diseases,” Kyle said, and wiped his hand off on the sheets before he grabbed Dan’s arse. “And the risk of me getting knocked up is vanishingly small, you know.”

Dan gave a weak laugh, but he still reached for a condom and even managed to get the wrapper off. Kyle knew his own hands were shaking too much, and he watched with interest as Dan rolled it on with deft fingers. God, Kyle was so gone for him. As soon as he could, he pulled Dan back over him, maybe in an attempt to cover for his own embarrassment, and managed to hook his leg over Dan’s shoulder.

“Come on then,” Kyle said and hitched his hips upwards, providing delicious friction for himself against Dan’s warm, smooth stomach. Kyle slid his hands over Dan’s back, exerting the barest hint of pressure against his arse, and Kyle could feel him give in, in the way he shifted his hips.

“Alright,” Dan said, and his voice was soft, too soft for Kyle to handle, and Kyle arched his body to be able to grind up on him. His knee slipped off Dan’s shoulder and it caught in the crook of his elbow instead.

The blunt tip of Dan’s cock went from a teasing pressure to too much almost immediately, and Kyle felt himself tense up as a result. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, and Dan just panted above him like it was all he could do. Kyle hadn’t even realized he’d pressed his eyes shut when he felt Dan’s thumb stroke his cheek and heard him say:

“Kyle, look at me, please.”

Kyle blinked his eyes open, willing the tears pooling at the edge of them not to spill.

“I should’ve,” he gasped. “I should have turned around.”

“We can,” Dan breathed, but he started to gently rock his hips, like he was unable to keep still for a moment longer. “We can do that-”

Kyle pressed his calf against Dan’s back to shift into a better position, but it only made Dan slip in further, and they both gasped.

“Oh,” Dan said and fell down on one elbow, and Kyle gritted his teeth against the burning sensation as he pushed in even deeper, but then Dan slid his hand down Kyle’s side to his hip to heft him up a little and the change of angle had Kyle grasping Dan’s hair tight enough that it had to hurt. The incredible burst of pleasure set every nerve ending in his body on fire and he felt like he was dying with it.

“Yes,” he said into the skin of Dan’s shoulder. “Yes, move, please.”

And Dan did - carefully at first, like he was scared of hurting Kyle if he put his back into it - but when Kyle muttered encouragements into his skin and gripped his hair and clawed at his back, he seemed to get the message. His hips started to move faster, when he got a good angle going. Kyle was almost bent in half, legs sprawling, but he didn’t care, he only wanted more and deeper so he crossed his calves over Dan’s back, to hold him in place. He was so soft, and yet Dan’s body transformed into tightly coiled muscle when he moved like this, and Kyle wanted to touch every inch of him.

A bead of sweat was trickling down Kyle’s temple and he threw his head back on the pillow. He had his eyes firmly closed, and he could only sense Dan’s mouth ghosting over his cheek and ear, hear the soft grunts he emitted in time with his thrusts. Kyle didn’t moan, but he felt the air push out of his lungs every time Dan hit home, quiet little huffs that built up to a keening when Dan shifted yet again to be able to wank him off with one hand, still bracing himself on the bed with his elbow.

Kyle couldn’t breathe. He latched his mouth onto Dan’s throat, pressing whatever noise he was making into warm skin, using his teeth to cover it up. His orgasm started from his toes, rolling up his body like a cresting wave, making him arch his back and lock Dan in an embrace that was tight enough to be painful.

Dan gasped, pressing his mouth against Kyle’s shoulder, and Kyle felt his teeth against skin and wanted more, even as he willed his body into relaxation

“Oh, shit, fuck,” Dan murmured as he slowed his movement, and Kyle laughed, pressing his palm against the back of Dan’s head.

“You can keep going,” he said, turning his head to whisper the words into Dan’s cheek. Dan made a sound halfway between a sigh and a groan, and Kyle felt him bunch his fists in the bedding and speed back up.

It was different now - without the edge of chasing his own arousal, Kyle appreciated the steady rhythm, how he felt whole, in a way, with how they moved together. They’d both worked up a sweat, skin sliding against skin easily as Dan’s movements lost their regularity, his hips stuttering as he came with a final gasp.

For a fraction of a second, Dan was completely frozen, and Kyle regretted more than anything that he hadn’t pushed him away enough to watch the expression on his face.

And then Kyle felt Dan slip out, a bottomless feeling of loss replacing him. Kyle courteously rearranged his limbs to allow Dan to flop down on top of him, and Kyle allowed himself a moment of sliding his knuckles up Dan’s spine, gently

They lay there for a moment, quietly trying to catch their breath.

“I’m going to get rid of the condom,” Dan said, still a little breathless, and rolled off Kyle. The loss of warmth was so acute, and Kyle sat up just as Dan shot him a smile over his shoulder before disappearing into the bathroom.

When Dan got out to pull on his boxers, Kyle was already dressed and had plopped down on the sofa with the opened beer. Dan pulled on his t-shirt and jeans as well before taking the second, unopened bottle and sitting down beside Kyle.

“Don’t suppose I could tempt you with Twin Peaks?” Dan said, and he’d apparently also gotten rid of his contacts in the bathroom, because he was wearing his tortoise shell glasses and he looked altogether too domestic and comfortable.

“Sure, why not,” Kyle found himself saying, and the look of unadulterated joy on Dan’s face was bordering on ridiculous. His eyes practically glittered.

He went over to fiddle with the TV and he sat back down on the sofa as the title music started playing, and of course Kyle had heard it before, he’d seen bits and pieces of Twin Peaks over the years obviously. But watching the show wasn’t half as entertaining as glancing at Dan out of the corner of his eyes, the way his eyes were wide open, the way he was able to abort maybe half of the comments he was dying to utter - the way Dan’s hand squeezed Kyle’s arm periodically, to draw his attention to a particular piece of cinematography.

“It was alright,” Kyle said, when the credits for the first episode started to roll and Dan asked him what he thought. They were sitting very close on the sofa, and Dan sputtered indignantly.

“That’s what you have to say about one of the most iconic TV-series of all time?” he asked indignantly, and his body was warm against Kyle’s side and Kyle could still feel a pleasant ache in his arse when he shifted on the sofa.

A lock of black hair fell over Dan’s forehead and Kyle had to suppress an urge to sweep it to the side. It felt like it would be all too easy to fall into a kiss from there, and Kyle thought _ I want to do this every day for the rest of my life. _

But Dan didn’t want that.  _ We don’t have to tell the others  _ he had said _.  _ He’d pushed Kyle away and let him get into his own bunk. He didn’t want anybody to know what they were doing.

“I don’t think we can do this anymore, Dan,” Kyle said, and it broke his heart to see the crestfallen look on Dan’s face. But it wasn’t fair to Dan, it wasn’t fair of Kyle to keep expecting more than Dan was willing to give. Kyle got  up from the sofa.

Better to break his own heart clean, Kyle figured, than to crush it slowly over time.

“Don’t be a stranger though,” he said and forced a smile as he was walking out the door, and he saw Dan give a weak smile back. Kyle didn’t look at the love bite that was just discernible over the collar of Dan’s shirt. That bruise would fade.


	4. Wedding (2016)

In a way, it was a relief to be working at Woody’s wedding. They’d all joked about it, complaining that Woody got the day off and the rest of the band hat to work. But showing people to their seats wasn’t so bad, and Dan liked to have something to do. It was the waiting that was torture, so really, the joke was on Woody.

And then everyone was seated, and all that was left was for Will and Kyle and Dan was to rush to their own seats before the ceremony started, and in the mad dash Dan didn’t even realize Will had inadvertently squeezed him right up beside Kyle.

It had been fine between them, really. They hadn’t pulled an ABBA - Dan and Kyle hadn’t ever even been in a relationship, really, so there was nothing to break up.

He did miss the easy camaraderie of the early days, before it all, where they’d leaned into each other when they laughed at a shared joke. Dan still found himself looking to Kyle, every time he’d said something in an interview that he thought was dumb, and Kyle was always there to nod encouragingly - but he met his eyes less often now, Dan knew.

And here they were, on the best day of Woody’s life - and Woody looked so happy, standing by the altar with his hair combed and eyes shining as he exchanged vows with Chrissy, who looked radiant - and all Dan could think of was the heat of Kyle’s thigh pressed against his on the uncomfortable church bench.

_ If there is a hell, that’s where I’m headed,  _ Dan thought and shifted his leg. There wasn’t enough space to move away though, so all it did was dislodge Kyle’s clasped hands where they were resting in his own lap - he shifted accordingly, straightening up. Dan couldn’t look at him.

At the reception afterwards, Dan could do nothing but look at Kyle. Dan always felt like a chump, dressed up in a suit and tie, like he was playing a make believe grown-up. But Kyle, he looked elegant in a well tailored completely black number with a maroon tie, and honestly, Dan felt gaudy in comparison, in his navy blue jacket with a lighter blue tie - again, a child.

He couldn’t look away when Kyle asked someone - one of Chrissy’s sisters probably - to dance, smiling brightly in that way that he always did when his nervous stutter threatened to take over.

Dan’s eyes were glued to the pair as they twirled on the dance floor - not gracefully, exactly, but definitely with gusto, like they both were having fun. For a weak moment, Dan imagined himself out there, Kyle’s hand on his waist as they moved to the beat.

_ “You really are shit at dancing,”  _ Kyle would joke and Dan would laugh and tell him he was just as rubbish, and Kyle would put his hand on Dan’s cheek, and his eyes would look just like they had when he was under him in bed and Dan had told him to look at him, huge and dark and-

He was mercifully pulled out of his thoughts by Chrissy appearing by his side, carrying two glasses of wine.

“Congratulations again,” Dan said, and he meant it, he really did, and gratefully accepted the glass Chrissy thrust on him. He raised the glass in a toast and Chrissy laughed.

“I’m trying to be a good hostess,” she said and took a sip of her own glass. “If you want to dance, you should. I can find you someone.”

Dan laughed and put a hand on her arm. He was a little bit tipsy, and he was going to have to get a lot more drunk before the night was over.

“No, I’m just -” he broke off as a flash of black at the edge of his vision revealed Kyle spinning the woman out perfectly before twirling her back in. “This is an amazing party, you should go find your husband and dance with him instead of worrying about your sad, lonely guest.”

Chrissy looked like she was going to protest, but right at that moment the dance song ended and the band strung up a slow number instead.

“Oh!” Chrissy said and looked around, and sure enough. Here was Woody, laughing openly with his arms thrown out, walking towards them. Chrissy handed Dan her glass with a gleeful apology and then met Woody halfway, falling dramatically into his arms as he scooped her close and they started to sway to the music.

Dan looked after them, laughing silently with a glass in each hand. And then, as if pulled by a magnetic force, his eyes slid off them and caught on Kyle. He was by the drinks table, the girl from the dance floor having followed him there, and they were leaned in close in discussion.

He couldn’t be sure in this light, but Dan thought he saw Kyle’s eyes flick up to meet his, and Dan was startled enough to spill a little of his wine down on the floor. He promptly turned on his heel and marched out in search of fresh air, and he was already out on the back door steps before he realised he was still holding both glasses of wine.

It was, however, way too late to turn back, so Dan continued out on the grassy field behind the back lot and came to a standstill when he craned his neck to try and catch a glimpse of some stars through the light pollution.

He heard the door open behind him, a quick burst of noise before the door swung shut again. He turned around, ready to come up with an excuse as to why he was standing out in the open with two glasses of wine while the party was in full swing inside.

His half-baked apology died on his tongue, however, when he realized it was Kyle striding towards him, with his hands in his trouser pockets. He cut a sharp silhouette in the night, all angles and stark lines with the black suit and shirt.

“Kyle,” Dan managed weakly. “Hi.”

“Hello,” Kyle said, his voice uncharacteristically low. Dan blinked and held out a glass, unable to remember which was his and which was Chrissy’s, and Kyle accepted it without hesitation. He swallowed  nearly half of the glass in one gulp, and Dan followed suit, a touch more reservedly.

“So, why’d you come all the way out here?” Kyle asked and looked up at the sky, much like Dan had earlier. Dan’s ears burned at the notion of Kyle noticing him doing that, but he cleared his throat to answer:

“I just needed some air, you know.”

“Yeah,” Kyle replied, still looking up as he put his free hand in his pocket and took another sip. Dan looked down in his glass, the white wine colorless in the dark, and rolled the stem between his fingers.

“You having a good time?” he asked, lightly. There was a rustle as Kyle took his hand out of his pocket, and when Dan looked up, Kyle met his eyes and put the hand on his arm.

“I’d be having a better time if you-” He broke off, biting his lower lip. Dan wanted to stroke his thumb along his mustache, cup his face in his hand, but instead he tightened his fingers around the wine glass. Kyle sighed and looked down, still with his hand on Dan’s arm. It was a warm weight, and Dan kind of hated how his fingers spanned the entire circumference of his bicep.

“I didn’t mean to fuck this up,” Kyle said, eyes downcast.

“You didn’t,” Dan hurried to say. He bent his arm, desperately catching Kyle’s elbow to make him look back up.

“Look,” Dan said and licked his lips. “I just, I want us to be friends. You’re one of my best mates Kyle, there’s nothing you could do to- to not be that.”

Dan saw a flash of something indecipherable in Kyle’s eyes, completely black in the half-light. His mouth was open, and Dan imagined what if would be like, to just lean in-

That was the moment the door sprung open again, spilling out a cacophony of sound and a beam of light that had them both spring apart, looking back like a pair of startled deer caught in the headlights.

“Kyle!” the girl said, the one he’d been dancing with. “You coming back in?”

“Soon!” Kyle said and the girl grinned at them before closing the door. Kyle looked back at Dan, a little helplessly, holding the glass with both hands now.

Dan felt an unbecoming surge of jealousy wash through him. But he knew Kyle deserved better - he deserved someone he could build a life with, not his neurotic bandmate who wanted him in a way he could never have - so he suppressed the jealousy, smiled at him and downed all of his wine, and Kyle got the message. He swallowed of his wine as well, and together they started to walk back, side by side.

When they reached the stairs, he realized the jealousy refused to stay down and Dan plucked the empty glass from Kyle’s hand to set them both down on the set of stairs.

“Alright,” Kyle said, and there was a ghost of a laugh in his voice. Dan felt his heart hammering in his throat as he tangled his fingers in Kyle’s. They say you only regret the things you don’t do. Dan had many regrets but he would be damned before he’d regret not doing this. Kyle made a questioning noise at Dan’s move, but Dan just pulled him by the hand, with him to the side of the building.

“What are we doing?” Kyle asked, and there was still a hint of laughter in his voice, a boyish note of excitement. Dan’s resolve hardened and he pushed Kyle up against the wall.

“I know you walked out, but please let me have this” he said and looked up through his lashes into Kyle’s dark eyes. He was biting his lower lip and Dan wanted so bad to pull it between his teeth too, but he bit his own tongue instead and fell to his knees.

“Dan, your suit,” Kyle said, but Dan laughed as he pressed his face into the fabric of Kyle’s slacks.

“I don’t care about my suit,” he confided and unbuttoned Kyle’s fly. The slacks were tailored well enough that Kyle didn’t have to wear a belt, which made it a quick work for Dan to pull them down together with Kyle’s boxers - it was dark enough out here that Dan couldn’t discern their colour. But it didn’t fucking matter once Dan got his mouth on Kyle’s cock.

It was gratifying how quickly it filled up, filling Dan’s mouth, silken skin hot to taste. Kyle didn’t seem to have any objections, not when Dan licked up the shaft, greedily inhaling the musky scent before he put his hands on the sliver of exposed skin of Kyle’s thighs and swallowed him down as far as he could.

When Dan choked, he heard Kyle swear above him.

“Good thing we don’t have a gig tomorrow,” Kyle said out into the night, and Dan had to pull off a bit so he could laugh again. Kyle cursed and gripped Dan by the hair and he slammed his other palm against the wall. The sensation of Kyle’s fingers in his hair had Dan close his eyes and exhale shakily, leaning his head back and into the touch.

“You like that, dont you?” Kyle said, his voice a little shaky out here in the open. Instead of answering, Dan put his mouth back on his cock. Kyle got the message, and Dan didn’t want to linger on how responsive Kyle was, but the thought nevertheless sent a zip of heat down his spine, which only intensified when Kyle started to rub Dan’s scalp, raking his fingers through the hair and pressing his palm flat against the top of his head.

Dan wasn’t going to get off on getting Kyle off, but he was sure as hell getting close. He could feel Kyle’s thighs trembling, and the weight of his cock on Dan’s tongue was so good that he squirmed where he was kneeling in the dirt. His jaw was starting to ache, and there were tears pooling at the corners of his eyes, but he didn’t let up until Kyle closed his fist in his hair and tugged, insistently enough that Dan actually turned his face and upper body away.

Thankfully, Kyle’s come landed harmlessly on the ground, and they both stared at it until Kyle let out a laugh that was both sudden and loud. Dan felt an answering chuckle rise in his throat, and soon they were both laughing hysterically as Kyle slid down, back against the wall, until he was sitting on the ground beside Dan.

Kyle was still laughing when he tucked himself back in and buttoned his slacks. He threw his arm around Dan’s shoulder and pulled him close, so that Dan was leaning his head against his shoulder.

“You’re mad,” Kyle murmured, when their laughter had died. “Completely mad. Don’t suppose you want me to return the favour?”

Dan’s cock did twitch with interest at Kyle’s words, but he was loath to move from his strangely comfortable position.

“Some other time,” Dan said instead, and Kyle nodded - Dan could feel it, the rasp of beard against his forehead.

“Hold me to that,” Kyle said, and they sat a while until the cold of the ground started to seep through their clothes and they had to get up and go inside again.


	5. Tattoo (2017)

Kyle really wished he was a stronger person. That he could set boundaries like a normal human - that he could maybe tell Dan that they were never going to be a thing and then maintain some distance between them.

But it was difficult to maintain distance when you were in the same band, and Kyle couldn’t deny that being friends with Dan was easy like few other things were - even when he sometimes was hit with a bundle of complicated feelings when he looked at Dan too long; even then it was just so easy to talk to him and to make music with him and really, Kyle knew it was fucked up but he was too grateful for Dan’s friendship to risk telling him about these feelings.

They always went for long stretches of just being friends. It wasn’t hard to keep things professional on stage or in interviews - Kyle was so aware of Dan’s proximity when there were other people around, it wasn’t like he would ever accidentally reach out a hand to touch him in a way that was too familiar.

Not even when Kyle knew what Dan looked like when he came. The way he clenched his teeth sometimes, and how he kind of liked it when Kyle was a bit rough.

Kyle had his entire own life going, beside Dan and the band. After the release of their second album, Kyle felt more and more like he’d grown into himself, like he knew who he was even outside the band, and it felt good. He’d been thinking about a tattoo for ages, probably since Will’s ill-advised _Bad Blood_ disaster - but this was something for him alone, and not something to do with the band, so really - Kyle was at a loss as to why he called Dan and asked him to come with to the tattoo parlor.

“Really?” Dan said over the phone, his voice sounding both surprised and delighted. “Of course I’ll come! When?”

Kyle told him the time and place, and he noticed his hands were trembling only when he ended the call.

He’d talked with the tattoo artist in person before, talked through the design and settled on everything - it was silly, to want to have Dan there. But as Kyle was seated in the chair, he felt a burst of intense relief when Dan came in the door. He hesitated, like he wasn’t sure he was in the right place. He was wearing his denim jacket, and his hair was its usual wild mess, and Kyle saw his eyes narrow in a smile when they landed on him in the chair. Kyle waved at him with his left hand - the relevant area of his right arm was currently being shaved, so he was under strict instruction not to move it.

“Hello,” Dan said, and the tattoo artist - John - nodded a greeting back.

“Hi,” Kyle said, he knew his smile was too broad, too nervous. “I hope I didn’t mess up your plans for today.”

“No, man, I’m free as a bird,” Dan said and sat down beside him, on a free barstool much like the one John was sitting on. He peered curiously over Kyle to get a glimpse of the stencil. “What’re you getting?”

“It’s a surprise,” Kyle said, grinning widely when Dan shot him an incredulous look.

“Come off it,” he said. “You wanted me here, the least you can do is tell me what it is.”

But Dan was smiling, like he liked the mystery of it, so Kyle only mimed zipping his lips, still smiling.

“Ready?” John said, and Kyle took one look at the tattoo gun in his hand and averted his eyes quickly before saying:

“Yeah.”

He screwed his eyes shut and gritted his teeth against the pain, but after the first shock, it wasn’t even that bad. Kyle blinked his eyes open to see the concerned frown on Dan’s face, and he tried to smile.

“It’s not so bad,” he said, and wiggled his toes inside his sneakers to take his mind off the sensation. “It kind of tickles.”

“I wouldn’t know,” Dan said, but the frown eased into a more relaxed expression, and he turned a full circle on the stool. When he came back round he said:

“Is it going to take long?”

“If you’ve got somewhere to be, you don’t need to stay,” Kyle said and turned his head to look at John, who was wearing a concentrated frown.

“No, no,” Dan hurried to say, and he bit his own lower lip briefly before he continued, “I mean more like, should I go out to get some snacks before this is over?”

Kyle threw his head back against the headrest of the tattoo chair and laughed.

“I ate plenty beforehand,” he said, when the laughter died down. “Official rule, John here says.”

“Yup,” John affirmed. “And this shouldn’t take that long, it’s only black.”

“A-ha!” Dan said, like he’d uncovered the piece of a puzzle. Kyle grinned.

“Do you need a break?” John asked, pausing for a second. Kyle thought about it and flexed his fingers, felt it ripple up his arm where his elbow was propped up so the back of his upper arm was stretched smooth for John to work on.

“I’m good,” he said, and John nodded. The pain had faded into a sort of numbness, and Kyle found it was oddly meditative, in fact.

Dan had his phone in hand, and he was tapping his foot like he was sounding something out in the privacy of his head. Kyle was just about to ask him what he was thinking about when his gaze caught on the dusting of freckles across the bridge of Dan’s nose and he found himself losing his train of thought.

He was almost disappointed when the process came to an end - when John wiped off the last of the excess ink and told him that it was done.

“I like it!” Dan said, looking up from his phone, and Kyle couldn’t help but grin like a dope, twisting his own neck to get a good look at it. He felt sort of light-headed from it all, and only listened with half an ear as John wrapped the tattoo and instructed him on the aftercare. He felt like he was only half-present when Dan took him by his arm, the one that wasn’t tattooed, and shepherded him out of there.

“We’re going back to your place and ordering some food,” Dan was saying, and that at least Kyle could latch onto.

△

He was putting the leftovers away, humming absentmindedly under his breath while he did it, when Dan came up to him and leaned his back against the counter.

“It looks good,” he said and let his thumb sweep over the safely wrapped tattoo of a tree. Kyle felt a shiver run down his spine at the touch.

“Hey,” he said and lifted his arm, felt the sore skin stretch as he gripped Dan’s arm in turn.

Dan blinked up at him, his eyes huge and guileless, and Kyle wanted to kiss every damn freckle dusted over his face.

“I think I owe you a blowjob,” Kyle said, watching as Dan’s eyes widened just a fraction, his mouth falling open as blood rushed to his face and colored it pink. God, but Kyle wanted to devour him. His grip tightened on Dan’s arm, and before he could give an answer, Kyle fell to his knees and pressed his face to the warm bulge of Dan’s crotch.

Dan gave a weak noise - in protest or encouragement, Kyle couldn’t quite discern. He gripped Dan’s hips with both hands and inhaled deeply, parting his lips to press a wet, open-mouthed kiss to his groin. Through his jeans, Kyle felt Dan’s cock start to fill up, and he grazed his teeth over the rough fabric before pulling away to rip open the fly with trembling fingers.

He remembered Dan in his suit, on his knees, the dark fan of his eyelashes of his cheek, and the memory made Kyle’s actions feel urgent, feverish. He didn’t even take the time to appreciate how pretty Dan’s cock looked when he pulled the trousers down, he just put his mouth to it, licking a long, wet stripe up the underside of it before he pulled it in between his lips.

Dan gave a soft groan, and Kyle felt the touch of his hand to his head. He gave a hum, hoping that it would convey the right message. His eyes fluttered shut in ecstacy when he felt Dan thread his fingers into his hair, pulling ever so gently when he closed the hand into a fist.

When he moaned around Dan’s cock he felt a little spit work itself out from the corner of his mouth. Kyle knew he had to look like a wreck, but it was difficult to care when Dan was making those noises above him and filling his mouth with a silken heat that made Kyle tremble with want.

So Kyle angled his head to take him deeper, making an anguished noise as he fumbled for his own cock. He didn’t think he’d ever been so desperately hard before, hadn’t even realized he’d gotten to this point when he squeezed his own fully hard cock and pressed his nose into the thatch of Dan’s pubic hair.

Kyle found himself feeling light-headed from arousal, unable to fully focus on either sucking Dan off or jerking himself off, but both fed into each other in a loop of lust that made him uncoordinated and desperate. Dan kept tugging on his hair and making soft, high noises in the back of his throat, and Kyle used his free hand to grab his hip and pulled him in even closer.

“Kyle, ‘m close” Dan panted and tugged a little harder on Kyle’s hair. Kyle only moaned again, and when Dan came in his mouth, he swallowed it all down like he was gagging for it.

“Jesus Christ,” Dan gasped and sagged back against the counter, like his knees were threatening to buckle. Kyle slid off him with an obscene, wet pop and pressed his forehead against his stomach, doubling his efforts in chasing his own orgasm. He pulled his sore lower lip in between his teeth to keep from grunting, pressed  his thumb into Dan’s hip to keep him in place and keep himself grounded.

Unbidden, Kyle imagined it was Dan who was pulling at his lip in a kiss, and when he came in his hand, he bit down hard enough to draw some blood.

With his mouth full of the taste of Dan and a hint of iron, Kyle got to his feet. He reached around Dan and managed to turn the faucet on to wash the mess off his hand, and realized too late that this brought him right up in Dan’s space.

“Hey,” Dan said softly, and his breath washed over Kyle’s lips. They were so close Kyle could see the dark rings around Dan’s irises, could pick out every freckle on his nose if he focused his gaze. If he leaned in just a centimeter, their lips would touch.

Kyle turned the faucet off and turned his face away. It was instinctual; his mouth tasted awful, Dan would have turned away first if he’d known, and Kyle couldn’t quite look him in the eye. Still it stung, when Dan shifted, pulled away to tuck himself in and do up his trousers.

Kyle hurried to follow suit, but by the time he was presentable, Dan was already by the door.

“See you later?” Dan said, and there was a trembling quality to his voice that Kyle didn’t know how to place. He swallowed.

“Yeah,” he managed. Dan smiled and put his hand on the doorknob.

“I really like that tattoo,” were his parting words. Kyle couldn’t quite shake the feeling that Dan was talking about something else.


	6. Avowal (2018)

“I need to tell you,” Dan said, and he didn’t need to, he shouldn’t, he should just keep on swallowing it down. But Kyle was sitting right next to him on the sofa, only the two of them left in the dressing room. Kyle’s fingernails were painted black, and it felt like Dan hadn’t been able to look away from him all day.

Kyle set his tea down, and fuck, Dan had been counting on that barrier between them. He hid his own mouth behind his hand as if that could stop the words, but he’d set himself up for the fall already.

“Tell me what?” Kyle asked, and he sounded so open and unguarded about it. Dan swallowed.

“I can’t do this anymore Kyle,” Dan said, the words muffled by his palm but still all too loud in the empty room. 

Kyle got his meaning immediately. Seeing his face transform instantly from nonplussed interest to an unreadable mask hurt, but not nearly as much as the note of roughness to his voice when he said:

“I’m sorry.” 

“I’m sorry too,” Dan hurried to say, dropping his hand and turning towards him on the sofa. “I didn’t mean for it to happen like this.”

Kyle sighed and stood up, his long limbs locked in tight against his lanky body. Dan’s eyes slid to the tattoo that peeked out from under the rolled-up sleeve of his t-shirt, but then Kyle pulled a hand through his hair and pushed the other into his trouser pocket and said:

“I’m going to back off, I’m going to give you some space.”

“I don’t want you to do that,” Dan said and got to his feet as well, heart in his throat.  _ I’ve already fucked it up,  _ Dan thought. But there was nothing to it now, he had to power through.“That... I didn’t want that.”

“Well, look,” Kyle said tersely, without meeting his eyes. “I think it’s best for us both, isn’t it? Give me some time to get over it.”

“ _ You _ need to get over it?” Dan said, and he felt a little ember of righteous fury flare to life inside him. This had Kyle finally turning his head to look at him

“Yeah, me,” he said, and Dan saw his fingers curl into a fist “Who the fuck else?”

“What,” said Dan slowly, dragging his eyes up from Kyle’s hand, “are you talking about?”

“My feelings for you, you wanker,” Kyle replied with a tone so vehement Dan had to take a step back. His eyes were dark, almost black, and his heavy brows were drawn together in anger.

“Your feelings,” Dan repeated dumbly.

Kyle gave a loud groan and turned away, marching for the door with such determination Dan was left immobile in his wake.

“I’ve been in love with you for years,” Kyle said as he pulled the door open. “2013, God, I was so obvious.”

And with that, he slammed the door shut behind him, and Dan was left with all of his insides torn up, a quiet storm raging in his mind.

Kyle’s voice kept echoing in his head, gruff with emotion Dan couldn’t quite parse,  _ in love with you for years. 2013, God, I was so obvious  _ but it hadn’t been obvious to Dan. He couldn’t understand. Kyle with his Claddagh ring turned to signal a serious commitment - and fuck, but Dan wasn’t proud of how he’d looked at that ring, wondered about it when Kyle was practicing in their studio, when they went through the Capital Studio recording of  _ Glory.  _ Sitting pressed against each other, arms lined up.

Dan thought that he’d spend forever with Kyle if he could.

△

Kyle had made it all the way across the parking lot when he head Dan’s all too familiar voice shout:

“Kyle!”

Against his own better judgement, he halted in his tracks. Hands clenched into fists, breathing in through his nose around the anger and hurt that simmered in his gut. Now he’d fucking gone and done it. They could never go back to being friends and it was all Kyle’s fault.

Dan had sprinted across the parking lot, and his voice was a little breathless when he jogged to a halt by Kyle’s side:

“Kyle, it wasn’t my hoodie.”

“What the fuck are you on about, Smith?” Kyle said, trying his best to keep his voice even. Dan sucked in a deep breath and said:

“Way back, I stole one off you and told you it was mine.”

Kyle blinked.

“Well, it obviously didn’t mean much to me, because I haven’t missed it,” he said, still irritated and very much not in the mood for Dan’s stories.

“It’s not about the hoodie,” Dan said, and there was a flash of corresponding irritation in his blue, blue eyes. “I stole it because I like the way you smell.”

“Uh.” Kyle threw a surreptitious glance over his shoulder, to make sure they were alone in the parking lot and pitched his voice a little lower when he continued: “I mean yeah, Dan, we’ve sucked each other off. I figured you didn’t, like, hate the way I smell.”

“I’m in love with you too, you absolute wanker,” Dan said, and his voice broke on the last word.

The silence that fell between them was so palpable it felt like a headache, a pressure along Kyle’s forehead. The sound of traffic was present, and yet somehow very far away as Kyle watched Dan look back at him intently. It went on for so long, Kyle could see a hesitance flicker across Dan’s face, saw him lick his lips and lean back a little, his eyes darting away.

“I understand if you- If you don’t feel that way anymore but...”

“Oh my god,” Kyle choked out and put his hands on the collar of Dan’s bomber jacket. He felt him tense under his hand, his features a study in worry that tugged at Kyle’s insides.

“You didn’t... You always walked away,” Dan said, and his eyes flickered down to Kyle’s mouth before coming back up to his eyes.

“I thought I- I thought that was what you wanted,” Kyle said, stumbling over the words in his haste to get them out. His fingers tightened on the collar, almost pulling Dan closer. “You didn’t want anyone to know and I... I didn’t want to make it worse.”

“What- I- I don’t care if anyone knows,” Dan said quietly and again his eyes flickered down. “Or I don’t anymore. God, Kyle.”

Kyle swallowed, and this time he did pull at the collar so that Dan had to take a step closer. His tongue felt thick in his mouth when he said:

“Please, Dan, can I-”

Instead of answering or interrupting, Dan took another step, in between Kyle’s legs, so close that he head to sling his arms around Kyle to keep his balance. For a second, they only looked at each other, Dan’s breath washing over Kyle’s lips and Kyle’s heart in his throat. Then they both leaned in and pressed their mouths together.

It was so much better than whatever hazy, alcohol-drowned memory Kyle had of their first kiss - the slick slide of Dan’s lips against his, the way warmth exploded over Kyle’s tongue when Dan opened his mouth. It was like the best kind of instinct, tilting their faces to fit together, how Kyle grabbed Dan by the waist to steady him and pull him even closer

Dan made the softest sound at the back of his throat when Kyle pressed his tongue against his teeth, and Kyle wanted to chase that sound. But instead he pulled back, regretfully, and slid his hands up to cradle Dan’s face between his palms. He pressed their foreheads together, blinked up into Dan’s eyes.

“Hey,” he said, his voice rough, like he’d been yelling for hours.

“Hey,” Dan repeated, and Kyle saw the corners of his eyes crinkle in a smile, and he felt his heart stutter.

“I’m going to kiss you so fucking much,” Kyle said and traced his thumb along Dan’s cheek. “We’ve been right fucking idiots about this, fuck.”

“Yeah,” Dan agreed with a smile and pulled Kyle closer again by hooking his fingers in his belt loops, and then they were kissing again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and commenting, I really appreciate it!


	7. Epilogue (still 2018)

“What’s this?” Dan asked and returned his hand to Kyle’s arm, where Dan had first touched him in greeting and made him flinch. Something was peeking out at the cuff of his sweater sleeve, and Kyle shrugged.

“It’s, er, I got another,” he said and started to roll up the sleeve. Dan stared in fascination as Kyle revealed the clear wrapping on his entire lower left arm, covering another tattoo in black.

“Without telling me? You didn’t want me along for this one?” Dan said and flicked his eyes up. Kyle kept his own eyes downcast though, and there was a splash of colour high on his cheeks.

“I suppose I was braver this time around,” Kyle said with a small laugh but he hesitated a little, like it wasn’t the whole truth. Dan ran his thumb over the tattoo - it was a bird, but not a very common one to get as a tattoo, like  dove or eagle or something, Dan thought. He didn’t recognize it immediately.

“It’s a blackbird, isn’t it?” he asked after a moment and let his hand slide up Kyle’s arm all the way to his shoulder and then to his neck. He pressed his thumb to Kyle’s bearded jaw, gently, to urge him to look up and look him in the eye. It was still heady, this easy intimacy between them when they were fully clothed.

“Yeah,” Kyle said, and he finally raised his eyes to meet Dan’s. His gaze was steady but there was a glimmer in the brown of his eyes that promised to burst out in flame. “It is.”

It was Dan’s turn to lower his gaze again, to the black lines of the bird on Kyle’s arm.

“Is it like a Beatles reference?” he said, half-joking. He saw the skin shift as Kyle closed his fingers in a loose fist.

“No,” Kyle said and cleared his throat. His right hand came up to touch Dan’s face in return. “Promise not to laugh.”

“I don’t know if I can promise that,” Dan said and already a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. “What, Kyle? Was it a mistake? Did you take over the dumb drunken tattooing thing from Will? The album isn’t even finished yet, you know.”

“Yes I know,” Kyle said, his voice a little strained. He shifted, tilting his body a little closer to Dan’s where they stood in Kyle’s foyer. Secretly Dan wondered how long it would be until the moved in together, whether or not they’d try to find a new place or just pick one place, his or Kyle’s. They hadn’t slept alone for weeks - fuck, months. “This isn’t a mistake. I think.”

“You think?” Dan repeated. “Well then what is it?”

“It’s dumb.” Kyle bit his lower lip, and Dan didn’t know if it was his imagination, but it looked like the blush on Kyle’s cheeks had intensified.

“You’re dumb,” Dan agreed, and laughed as Kyle made a face at him. “Come on Kyle, tell me.”

He hooked his finger in the collar of Kyle’s grey sweater and pulled at it, eyed the hollow of his throat. Dan wondered how long this honeymoon phase would last, seeing as they’d been having sex for years, but it didn’t show any signs of dissipating yet. He felt giddy just being near him, still. Kyle heaved in a deep breath, and Dan watched his narrow chest expand.

“It’s you,” Kyle said. Dan blinked and looked back up at his face.

“I’m what?” he said, and Kyle huffed out a breath.

“The blackbird.” Kyle said. “It’s about you. Supposed to represent you, or whatever.”

Dan leaned back, to keep Kyle’s face in focus.

“What?” he said and blinked again. Kyle’s eyes had slipped down again, like maintaining eye contact was too much of a chore.

“I told you it was dumb,” he mumbled, and Dan felt his chest constrict.

“It’s not- Kyle,” Dan said helplessly, and his heart was hammering so loud that he could barely push the words out. “Kyle, that’s... I can’t believe you would do that.”

“It was kind of a spur of the moment thing,” Kyle admitted, and shifted back as well, to run a hand over the tattoo. “I guess I just.... I just wanted to remember this feeling.”

“Kyle,” Dan said again, and his voice broke embarrassingly. Kyle looked up, through the fan of his black eyelashes, and he was so beautiful Dan felt like he couldn’t breathe with it sometimes. He pushed out an exhale and then pressed his lips to Kyle’s, willing him to know what he meant through the kiss.

“I hope I... I didn’t come on too strong,” Kyle said, in between kisses. Dan groaned into his mouth and tugged at the hem of his sweater.

“After all these fucking years nothing would be coming on too strong,” he said as he pulled the sweater over Kyle’s head, mindful of the tattoo covering. It had been years - or perhaps, if you were strict, a month - and still Dan hadn’t tired of seeing Kyle naked. “Seriously, Kyle, come on stronger. I dare you.”

Kyle’s stomach jumped with laughter as Dan ran his hands over it. He leaned up on his toes to whisper into Kyle’s ear, “I think you should be inside me, Kyle.”

Kyle’s stomach shuddered on his exhale. “You’re coming on a bit strong there Dan,” he said, but his voice wavered, like it cost him to make the joke. Dan swatted his flank for the trouble and Kyle laughed weakly, but complied, inasmuch he separated from Dan to strip naked and allow Dan to do the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lost my mind when Kyle got a tattoo of my favourite bird (?) and of course I had to make it about this and come back literally months later. Sorry, not sorry.


End file.
